I know I can be too much
that the story of me is not paved with gold dust
You tell me that everything I have been through makes me who I am today
and although I am learning to love myself
it would have been nice to harbor an incling of self love from the start.
Yes I have put in the work and yes I am proud of myself but I am so angry.
Im mad that I was put into this world and not given the tools that were carved specifically for me.
Im pissed off that as a child, I was told “hey, youre so mature for your age” without the ones who were supposed to see me noticing that I was broken and afraid inside.
I wasnt good because i wanted to be, I was good because I had to be.
In order to survive, to protect my emotions and avoid falling into an abyss that would be impossible to escape, I had to be good to survive.
To look at a child with a smile on her face and tears in her eyes and only choose to see how lovely my teeth are is a failure on your behalf.
Its not my fault you made me small.
I knew nothing but to be small, to shrink up inside myself and never say a word out of turn. No, because in my young mind, that equated death.
I learned how to hide every bit of me.
When I cried I would run to a space where I could be alone.
My eyes fixated on the door, my ears listening for any step that may be coming in my direction. I kept my hand over my own mouth, I must not make a noise. I must hurry up, no one can see me like this.
A child. I was a child who learned that her being was not enough, that to perform was the only way to be accepted I could not be transparent and that is how the people around me liked it.
Anger was not an emotion I allowed myself to feel. To be angry was to feel unsafe. No, I had to make the people around me into angels and I became the devil in my own mind. Thats it, I thought, thats why they refuse to see me, its because I am bad so I have to learn how to be good.
And what kind of bullshit is that?
How bad must you have failed me to make a little girl believe that everything inside of her was rotten. That the only way to combat the darkness she innately held was to be silent, be good, be good, be good.
Honestly, Im pissed the fuck off.
I want you to look at me as an adult and tell me honestly you didnt see me struggling and I promise, regardless of what you say it is still you who failed.
If you didnt see then you didn't try, the least my younger self deserved was for you to try.
but if you did, and I aint stupid I know you did. Then just know that by turning a blind eye you broke me, everytime I you caught me crying and hit me you made the world into a terrifying place.
Everytime I heard your footsteps outside my door, I would scan the room, my heart would sink even if I was doing nothing wrong.
Im pissed the fuck off because I know you saw me hurting but you didnt bat an eye.
You know what, fuck you. Fuck you for creating me only to break me.
Fuck you for making me feel as if it was my job to constantly make sure you were okay at the expense of myself.
Fuck you for not knowing how to show love.
Fuck you for not understanding me, I want you to know that you beating me made me feel dirty, your words made me feel as though this earth is not a place that I should stay.
Fuck you for making me think I needed your validation. I want you to know that, that shit doesnt mean anything to me anymore.
You know what hurts the most?
Is that I fucking love you.
That since I was that little girl, I saw how much you were hurting
I tell myself all the time that you tried your best and I cant ask for anything more.
I extend grace over and over again because I understand that you have a tendancy to interrupt me, so I let you speak.
I know that sometimes you feel as though because we didnt have much money, you didnt provide enough material things and I am truthful when i reassure you saying, no, money was not the problem. I had every material thing I needed.
I have spent so much of my life lovning you in the way I wished you loved me. I understand the things you need and I try to give it to you.
But this love is slowly turning into hate because it shouldnt have been like that.
I was the child but you never tried to understand me.
I had to build my own survival tools and I’d give them to you leaving me empty.
But I did it because I loved you but now I am afraid that it is too late for you to start loving me. Youre stuck in your ways. I try to speak and you become defensive so what more can i do that slowly begin to detach my soul from yours.
