How many times must I go in circles before I remember I hate the feeling of being dizzy?
I am embodying the definition of insanity but I cannot seem to stop.
I don't know how else to be.
I have spent so much of my life expecting to die that being alive and anticipating a future feels so foreign that I don't know how to act.
I seem to be reaching for something just beyond the wall of fog
but the further I walk the more I become afraid that my next step will be my last. That I fall off a cliff I did not see and I’ll have no one there to catch me.
I don't know what I’ve become. I have outgrown myself but my mind strives to stay within the familiar. I got a small glimpse of something I've wanted and instead of happiness, I felt fear.
My chest tightened and my heart tore out of me. My breath was caught and the ground beneath me failed to hold me.
I didn't understand it. I couldn't. It put many things into perspective though.
There are so many things I want to do, many things I enjoy but I instead scroll endlessly and dare not move. I didn't know I feared good things. I kept myself in a tight loop because that's all I feel I deserved. I woke up everyday filled with dread but no matter how hard I argue with myself in my mind something much louder and stronger is preventing me from ever changing. There is this constant underlying buzz of depression which I have managed to convince myself isn't there. I have lost my fight, I have accepted that this is as good as it gets, there is nothing more I can do.
Even when I do try to fight, I am facing the same old demons I'm not even afraid of anymore but for some reason refuse to leave. A barricade that I learned to be comfortable with. I have been fighting for so long that the thought of swinging my sword even one last time weighs me down. Things feel so difficult yet I am managing somehow. I want to live but I don't want to fight anymore, I don't know how to manage that so I laugh and I numb.
